Friday, July 3, 2009

Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad Door? A Scary DIY Tale

Grab a pillow, boys and girls, and make yourself comfortable, today I'm going to tell you a scary story about a boy, a girl and a DIY project.*

It all started, as most scary stories do, with a simple, but flawed plan. The boy and the girl planned to go shopping and buy supplies, strip and paint their front door, and clean and paint their shutters. All in ONE day. They foolishly forgot the DIY golden rule: all projects will take four times as long and cost three times as much as planned.

"We'll easily be able to finish this in one day," the silly boy exclaimed.

The girl was not convinced, so they did some preliminary window-shopping the night before. All was well until suddenly the girl sprouted a second head! And not just any head mind you, but a grouchy, snarling, hungry witch's head! The witch put a spell over the girl, so that to anyone else it looked like she was still her usual self, but she wasn't. Suddenly the girl started snarling and snapping at the boy when he didn't find the paint stripper fast enough. The boy snapped back about her painting choices and a fight ensued. Finally, the girl was able to overpower the witch and cut off her head. The boy and the girl managed to make up and go to sleep dreaming happy dreams of a successful project. (the fools!)

The next morning the girl got up, made coffee, and tried not to dread the work ahead. Later, the boy and girl went to a discount home improvement store. They found door hardware at half the price of what was at the nasty box store. This made them happy, but they still had to go to the big, nasty box store. The paint section proved tricky again, as the girl had a minor panic attack over picking a paint sheen and annoyed the paint guy. But eventually the couple got their purchases and headed home.

This, boys and girls, is where the real trouble began. First, they discovered that someone evil had painted over the same hinges and screws they needed to remove to begin their project. Eventually, they unhinged the door and removed the old hardware. Then, they soon realized that if they installed the new hardware where the old mortise lock had been, they'd be left with a huge, gaping hole in the door. This worried the girl terribly. She started stripping the paint off the door and it wasn't going well. Morning had faded into afternoon.

Suddenly the evil witch gathered all her magical powers and regrew a head on the girl's body, and all hell broke loose. The girl began hyperventilating as she realized they'd never finish the door that day, let alone the shutters. She also panicked about the right way to fix the hardware problem quickly. The boy wanted to ride off into the sunset to slay the evil lock problem, but the girl knew she'd never finish the door alone. She began yelling and pacing and came quite close to crying. The boy thought she was having a nervous breakdown. They fought and swore they'd never do DIY together again. It began to look like the evil door and witch had won.

Eventually, the girl slayed the evil witch and the boy and the girl calmed down. The girl apologized, and the boy made her repeat it several more times as they spent the next SIX HOURS scraping that stupid door and removing all the old paint. Both of them feared they had fallen into a time warp, because how could it possibly take SIX FRIGGIN' HOURS to strip a door? But by that time, it was dark, and they were dirty, hungry, sore and tired. So the boy and the girl went into their cottage and slept. Without a front door. Oh don't worry boys and girls, they had a great security system in place of the door consisting of a locked storm door, a $1 alarm that would sound at the first sign of trouble, a bunch of newspapers (to block evil, prying eyes) and a vacuum (to booby trap any wannabe criminals).

As for the evil door? And the shutters? Stay tuned kids, stay tuned.

* I'm sure it goes without saying, but this tale is purely fictional. It has nothing to do with reality. Any similarities to real people, real huses and real DIY projects are purely coincidental. And anyone who says otherwise is LYING.


  1. Telling the story in fairy tale form makes it sound less severe than it really was. You should let me tell the version of story that it really played out in, which is 80s slasher film style.

  2. Oh my, I've been stuck in that same fairy tale book. Just keep thinking how you'll eventually hit the "happily ever after" and the house will be done!


Comments make my day! Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.

Note: Comments are moderated in order to keep this a spam/ad-free forum.


Blog Widget by LinkWithin